Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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