I'm going to jail i love you
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
