I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
