at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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