Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
