Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
