It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize