Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize