I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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