Betty ford says i'm here all night
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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