woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
