his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize