I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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