Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
