I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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