I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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