So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
