I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
