I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
