you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
