My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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