you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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