she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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