I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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