Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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