well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she pinky promised me she was 18
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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