May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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