Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
