My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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