Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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