I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
