no, he came in my armpit
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
