Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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