I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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