I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
