Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
