How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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