It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
