Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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