I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
