I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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