She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
