Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
