I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
