A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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