I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
