I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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