I haven't been this sober since birth.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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