I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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