i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
