I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
