Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
