yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
