I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
