wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
