there were more penises there than on chat roulette
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Randomize