problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
