he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
