god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
