You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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