I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
