really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize