Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
