There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
